Do Women Have Responsibilities To Men?

“Men, are you doing enough to stop men’s violence against women and girls?”

This question was emblazoned upon a colorful sign in the city where a young friend of mine lives. He sent me a photo of this sign, and others like it, and told me he’s getting sick of misandry. I spent a moment studying each of these signs imploring men to do more to call out misogyny, to do more to stop violence against women and girls, to just do more to help women and girls. I asked my friend to clarify what it was he saw in these signs as misandry.

He explained that there are no other signs in his city calling upon specific demographics to police their own groups.

There are no signs that say, “Muslims, are you doing enough to stop religious extremism?”

There are no signs that say, “Black people, are you doing enough to stop violent crime?”

There are certainly no signs that say, “Women, are you doing enough to stop domestic violence against men?”

The problem was that the signs my friend encountered were publicly imposing an expectation upon all men to do something about the actions of other men in a way that would be deemed patently offensive if aimed at any group besides men. A sign urging Muslims to collectively take responsibility for religious extremism creates an association between Muslims and extremism that is considered an offensive stereotype. The same is true for singling out black people to do something about violent crime. If you do this to Muslims, it’s Islamophobia. If you do this to black people, it’s racism. But as far as society is concerned, if you do this to men, you’re just holding them accountable and protecting women like a good feminist.

Not only are men being held publicly responsible for policing their own group to protect women, but the signs may also be framing domestic violence like it is only a thing that happens to women and is only a thing done by men. This might be considered problematic when studies show women are the instigators in up to 70 percent of cases of non-reciprocal cases of domestic violence among younger couples. At what point do we get a sign calling for women to do something to stop other women from abusing their male partners?

That men are publicly held to such different standards is misandry. Men are burdened with responsibilities other groups, especially women, are not. People from all backgrounds and beliefs get angry at even the slightest suggestion that men should not act as protectors of women and children. Because this expectation is so prevalent, we all know quite a lot about what it is men are supposed to be doing. Men are supposed to protect, to provide, to build, and to sacrifice. Men are the wall that separates the tribe from danger. This was the case throughout hundreds of thousands of years of human history. The expectations placed upon men to protect and provide haven’t changed. What has changed is that the reciprocal expectations once placed upon women have been done away with. While the modern man is still expected to provide and protect, the modern woman is expected to be free and live her best life. The same type of people telling us that men are doing too little for women bluntly insist that women are still doing too much for men, and they make up words to describe it. Anything women need, men are expected to provide it. Anything men need, men are expected to work it out on their own.

There are those who will say women have duties to become mothers, to take care of domestic work, to be healers or teachers. But people saying that are routinely met with backlash and condemnation from mainstream society. Feminists have spent nearly two centuries in America making sure our institutions and culture do not teach girls that they must abide by traditional expectations of femininity. The modern woman is allowed to choose her own role. The modern man is not. Men’s societal obligations grow, women’s societal obligations shrink.

I personally do not feel offended if somebody tells me that men have some innate duty to protect women, but I understand why other men would take offense. What offends me is when people tell me that men have duties to women but cannot name any duty that women have to men. The only reward society offers men for their gendered duties is to call them toxic and useless. A woman can do absolutely nothing and still be called brave and strong simply for being female. Whatever that arrangement is, it is not equality. More and more people are noticing the severe discrepancy between what women are told to expect from men and what they are told to give in return. This is true at both the individual level and at the levels of society and government.

In order to make the situation fair, either we need to identify what it is women owe men in return for the things men are just expected to do, or we need to stop telling men they have duties to women and allow them the same level of personal liberty women enjoy. Men are not going to participate indefinitely in a social contract where they must give but never take.

So what do men get from women in return for the protection they’re called to provide? If traditional expectations that women be mothers, be chaste, or be homemakers are no longer acceptable, then perhaps there are other ways women could give back.

A simple and easy way to show gratitude would be for women to thank men who make them feel safe or provided for. If a man makes you feel safe or cared for, why not tell him? If it’s too awkward to say to an individual man, “You make me feel safe,” why not paint it on a sign and hang it next to the multiple signs calling on men to do more to make women feel safe?

A more material option would be women facilitating safety for men in exchange for the safety men are expected to facilitate for women. If men are expected to call out misogyny, then women should be expected to call out misandry. If you want to argue that misogyny is worse than misandry (it’s really not), then logically that means men are providing a greater value to women by fighting misogyny than women would be providing to men by fighting misandry, so women would need to offer additional benefits to create a fair exchange. But misandry does cause harm, both emotional and physical. I can’t be the only man who appreciates it when women speak out against it. Women who speak out against misandry do so at a great social cost.

One final suggestion is simply that society openly acknowledge the innate value that men have as people and as men. Maybe the best way to treat men would be to say we appreciate them without first needing them to do something to earn that appreciation. It would be good to celebrate men the same way we celebrate every other group without using it as an occasion to deprive men of dignity or worth because they haven’t done enough yet, or because of some hateful idea that they all are collectively guilty for what some men have done. That would be a nice thing society could provide men in exchange for the expectation that men protect women.

I am certain that a lot of people would be upset by the transactional nature of what we’re discussing here. But human relationships have always been transactional. Hunters hunted for gatherers, and gatherers gathered for hunters. Neither a relationship nor a society can survive if the participants are each concerned with only what they as individuals can get from the arrangement. It’s childish to think one is entitled to anything from another person without some value offered in exchange. If we value equality, then it’s long overdue we begin discussing what men get in exchange for the burdens we expect them to carry. If the idea that women should have any reciprocal duties to men is just too offensive, then maybe it’s time to take those signs down.