Four Phrases That Are Hurting Men
In almost any conversation about men and our experiences, a lot of things are said to us and about us which are not necessarily accurate or constructive. Men face a formidable list of stereotypes and narratives that influence how the world views us. The process of breaking through these assumptions about us is slow, and anyone who has been paying attention to these conversations has likely noticed several recurring themes. Below are just a few of the more frustrating and hurtful things that I think I can safely say men are getting tired of hearing.
“Men Need To Talk About Their Feelings More”
This statement can be very true. A lot of men do have a need to talk about their feelings, but plenty of men already do talk about their feelings. And those of us who openly discuss what we’ve experienced know that this statement is a trap. It leads us into being vulnerable so our vulnerability can be attacked. The call for men to talk more is very conditional and has a lot of context and baggage. Many of the people who say this about men, if they were being more honest and aware, would say, “Men need to talk about their feelings more, so long as they don’t contradict feminist narratives, ask for anything, criticize women’s behavior in any way, or blame anyone but themselves or other men for their problems.”
This idea that men just need to talk more is also used to oversimplify men’s issues and men themselves. Not every problem men face is one that would go away if men just talked more. Not every man is lacking the emotional intelligence or confidence to talk about his feelings and experiences. Up to 91 percent of middle-aged men who commit suicide in the UK will have attempted to find support before they end their lives. You might assume that middle-aged men would be the cohort least likely to reach out for help, given that older generations grew up in a culture that emphasized stoicism for men and did not talk about mental health issues.
More than ever, men are talking. And what we’re finding is that not many people want to hear from us, nor do institutions have much help to offer us. Real conversations about men’s issues threaten not just traditional expectations that men not complain, but they also undermine mainstream progressive and feminist narratives about systemic male privilege. Yes, more men should open up, but there isn’t much reason for them to do so if nobody wants to hear what they have seen. It’s not just a talking problem. It’s a listening problem.
“Man Up”
The emotionally intelligent man recognizes this as both invalidation of his experience and invalidation of his male identity. It is a way of telling a man that his problems are petty, and that for being upset over petty things, he is not a real man. It’s an ad hominem attack that targets the speaker’s masculinity rather than dealing directly with his ideas and statements.
This phrase uses emasculation to punish a man for words or actions another person finds upsetting. I’ve seen men attacked this way just for expressing sadness or fear, as well as for articulating frustration at societal double standards or legal injustices targeted at men. I’ve never heard a coherent argument for how a man is no longer manly for expressing himself, but it’s little wonder so many people are skeptical of the existence of men’s issues if even having an issue means you’re not a man in the first place.
Conditioning men to be afraid to express themselves or talk about the problems affecting them turns men into the perfect victims for exploitative individuals and systems. Men will tolerate abuse simply because they’ve been reprimanded too many times in the past for not tolerating it. Men are treated as resources by society, and society wants resources that require little maintenance. Men who fight for their own needs are seen as selfish and weak, and society punishes them by hitting them where it hurts. There are many valid ways to respond to a man expressing his feelings or grievances, but attacking his masculinity is not one of them.
“Others Have It Worse”
Usually the “others” in this case will refer to women. But it can refer to any group seen as having fewer privileges than males, any group that outnumbers males as those affected by the problem, or any group that is just considered more valuable than males.
In cases where a man’s problem is deemed unimportant because he’s seen as privileged in other ways, the argument that others are worse off judges the importance of the problem not by its own nature, but by how many non-problems it is surrounded by.
In cases where another group is affected more by the same problem, the need to address the impact of the problem on men is downplayed because not enough of them are suffering to be taken seriously. This happens a lot in discussions about domestic violence, for instance. Women are more affected, so therefore that’s who should get priority.
In cases where males are clearly disproportionately affected by a problem, we’re told that it’s not really an urgent problem to begin with. If males are 99 percent of the people affected by a problem, the problem is just not that big of a deal until it hits that last 1 percent who aren’t male. This often comes up in debates about genital cutting.
This reminder that others have it so much worse is typically deployed with the intent that it should being a killing blow to the idea men’s feelings or experiences are important. It hurts to constantly be compared to other groups to see if we’re worthy of compassion or help. We suffer this minimization routinely just trying to discuss what’s going on in our lives. God help us if we ever organize enough to collectively demand society take real action on men’s issues.
“Patriarchy Hurts Men, Too”
This is perhaps the most bizarre item on the list. A conversation about men’s issues does not have to go on for very long before somebody blames men’s problems on patriarchy, and then points out that patriarchy is run for men, by men. Why a person would want to contribute this to a conversation may seem unclear at first, but there is a lot going on beneath the surface.
It’s worth noting that the idea that “patriarchy hurts men” contradicts the theory that feminists pushed for much longer that patriarchy unfairly benefits men. The fact that they now are offering two contradictory explanations for what patriarchy does to men indicates that feminists are straining to explain the modern world they helped create. Feminist theory is cracking under pressure from a mountain of evidence that proves males are suffering badly in ways females are not in a system feminists always told us was supposed to privilege males over females.
Aside from the glaring contradiction this idea represents, one thing that can be safely asserted about blaming patriarchy for men’s problems is that it is an attempt to collectively blame men for their own suffering as though they’ve inflicted it upon themselves. This makes for an appealing line of reasoning to somebody if they’re feeling threatened by the idea that men could be systemically oppressed. If men are being oppressed, the type of person who uses the “blame patriarchy” line wants to make certain everyone knows the oppression is coming from other men and not women. It’s a way for feminists to protect their narrative that says men are oppressors and women are victims. This simplistic story is told routinely in spite of the fact that women do hold positions of power in governments, corporations, and schools where their biases can and do negatively affect boys and men.
Another thing that can be said of this call to blame the patriarchy is that it is entirely irrelevant to any discussion of men’s issues. Patriarchy does not exist in any meaningful way in the west. But if it did, does that make men’s suffering any less important? Do their problems become less urgent if patriarchy is real? It has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not any particular men’s issue deserves discussion. Blaming patriarchy does not help solve any problem, it does not help understand any problem, it raises more questions than it answers, and it does not help anyone understand or respect where men are coming from. Invoking patriarchy in a discussion of men’s problems is an attempt to force a feminist perspective into a conversation where a feminist perspective is needed least.